


Couldn't Do it

by Grinder1833



Series: Missing Moments [7]
Category: As the World Turns
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-03
Updated: 2011-06-03
Packaged: 2017-10-20 00:43:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/206998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grinder1833/pseuds/Grinder1833
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Noah returns to Luke after deciding not to enlist in the Army.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Couldn't Do it

Luke was in a daze when he returned home from Chicago. Noah was gone…really gone. He had, for reasons Luke still didn’t understand, decided to enlist in the Army. Noah had tried to explain himself, but it still didn’t make sense to Luke. Noah had wanted nothing to do with the military when his father was alive and now that he’s dead Noah wanted to join. This was just insane. Noah had told Luke he loved him but still he was leaving. Luke had tried everything he could think of…he tried to reason with Noah, he begged, he reminded Noah how much he loved him, but none of it worked.

And now Noah was gone. Luke might never see him again. The mere thought of it sent a chill down his spine. Noah was everything to him…

The sound of tires against the gravel driveway drew Luke out of his reverie. His mom had probably come back to force him to come home with her. She hadn’t been too happy about leaving him at the farm alone. He got up, prepared to send her back on her way. All he wanted was to be alone to deal with the grief of losing Noah for possibly forever.

As he approached the door he heard a car door slam. Maybe it wasn’t his mother. She might have sent his father to try to comfort him. They were probably afraid that he might dive headfirst into his grandmother’s unattended liquor cabinet.

Luke stopped short when he opened the porch door. There stood Noah in the driveway with his head bowed slightly, eyes mutely begging for forgiveness.

 _Please, god, let this be real,_ Luke silently begged, gripping the door. He swallowed and tentatively he took a step toward Noah.

“I…uh…couldn’t do it,” Noah quietly admitted.

Luke breathed a sigh of relief and then threw himself into Noah’s arms. Noah tightly wrapped them around Luke, gently rocking him back and forth. Luke clung to him, resting his head on Noah’s shoulder, shutting his eyes to block out the impending tears. Noah had come back to him. He didn’t do it.

“I’m so sorry,” Noah murmured, nuzzling his face in the crook of Luke’s neck. “I’m so sorry.”

Luke opened his mouth to speak, but the only thing that came out was a half sob. Noah loosened his hold on Luke, trying to break free from the embrace but Luke wasn’t having it. He wrapped his arms tighter around Noah’s back. Luke never wanted to let him go again. This had been too close of a call.

Noah brushed his lips against Luke’s ear. “Please forgive me, Luke.”

“I thought…I thought…” he sniffed, tears trickling down his cheeks.

“You were right and I was wrong.”

Luke pulled back slightly from him. “I didn’t think anything I said to you got through.”

Noah wiped Luke’s tears away with this thumb. “It did…it just took a little while for it to sink in.”

“So you’re really not enlisting?” Luke asked, still in a bit of denial. He didn’t want to get his hopes up like he did after the Cyndi Lauper performance only to have them dashed again. That night Luke had thought they were back together. Boy had he ever been wrong about that. Instead he’d been blindsided with the news that Noah had enlisted in the Army.

“I told the recruiter that I changed my mind…the Army wasn’t for me after all.”

“And what is?”

“You,” Noah whispered, his lips brushing against Luke’s.

Luke parted Noah’s lips with his tongue, slowly sliding it inside Noah’s mouth. Noah half groaned/half growled as Luke’s tongue caressed his. Luke’s mind began to spin. He had all but resigned himself to the fact that Noah was gone, that he’d never share a kiss like this with him again.

“Can we take this on the porch?” Noah asked, lifting his mouth from Luke’s.

“Sure.” Luke took Noah’s hand and led him onto the porch.

They sat on the wicker sofa. Noah draped his arm over Luke’s shoulders and Luke kept hold of his hand. He placed a kiss against Luke’s temple. “When the recruiter told me it was in my best interest to keep my sexual orientation a secret it hit me that what I was doing was wrong…on many levels,” Noah explained. “I’ve come a long way since our first kiss…I’m finally able to admit I’m gay and not be ashamed of it. Not to mention that I have a boyfriend who loves me more than I deserve to be loved right now…”

“That’s not true, Noah,” Luke interrupted him.

“Luke, I’ve been a shitty boyfriend these past few months. But it’s not because I didn’t love you…between Ameera…my father…I just got so messed up…” Noah’s voice faltered.

“Noah…”

He squeezed his eyes shut, taking a moment to calm himself and gather his thoughts. He needed to stay strong so he could get out what he needed to say. There was a lot they needed to talk about…issues that have been unresolved since they returned from New York.

“Luke, I never really blamed you for my father’s death. You were just there and I needed to lash out at someone,” Noah said, gazing into Luke’s eyes. He was overwhelmed by the love and compassion that filled them…even after everything he had put Luke through. “I just wanted so desperately to believe everything my father was telling me on the deck of that boat. I mean…finally…after all of those months…he told me that he still loved me…said I was braver and stronger than he’d ever given me credit for,” he explained, pushing through the pain of relieving those last minutes of his father’s life. “He even hugged me like…like…he _really_ loved me. But it was all bullshit. He was just manipulating me like he always did.”

“I’m sorry, Noah,” Luke said quietly, caressing Noah’s cheek.

“I should have seen through his lies then just like I should have when he told me that he loved me and was doing his best to come to terms that I was gay. Worst of all I believed that he wanted to make amends with you,” Noah admitted. Still after all of this time he still harbored some guilt that his father nearly killed Luke.

Luke gazed deeply into Noah’s eyes. “I believed him too. It’s not your fault that you want to believe the best in him. It’s only natural since he’s your father.”

“But when I do you end up getting hurt…by him…by me.”

“Noah…”

“I married some else, Luke,” Noah said, glancing away from him. “Good intentions or not…I married someone else when I loved you.” He’d never forget the fight they had at the cottage when Luke had come over to help move out after they’d returned from New York…the pain in Luke’s voice and in his eyes. Luke’s heartache came through loud and clear. Noah never wanted to hurt him like that again.

Luke gently turned Noah’s head until he was facing him again. Noah needed to believe that everything was going to be alright now. They had somehow managed to overcome every obstacle that had tried to come between them. “Ameera is safe in Los Angeles and your marriage has been annulled,” Luke said. “And I’m here…I’m okay and we’re together again.”

Noah grinned, noticing the sparkle in Luke’s dark chocolate eyes. “We’re definitely together again. And I’m just so grateful that you didn’t give up on me.” Noah showed Luke just how grateful he was with another long, sensuous kiss that Luke could feel right down to his toes. Noah gently maneuvered Luke so that he was practically lying on the sofa with Noah on top of him. He lifted his mouth from Luke’s. “Is anyone else here?”

“No,” Luke’s response came out in a hoarse whisper.

Noah reached between them and popped the button to Luke’s jeans, carefully easing the zipper down, sliding his hand inside the front of Luke’s underwear. Luke shuddered beneath him as Noah grasped his growing cock. He thought Noah would never touch him like this again.

Noah…who had broken up with him and enlisted in the Army.

Noah…who left him…

What if he left again?

“No,” Luke sputtered, breaking their kiss and seizing Noah’s wrist.

Noah’s blue eyes flooded with confusion. “What is it, Luke?” he asked, removing his hand from Luke’s pants.

“We can’t do this…at least not right now.”

“I thought you said we were alone.”

“We are alone, but that’s not the point.”

“I don’t understand,” Noah said, intently studying Luke’s face. “A couple of days ago you wanted to be with me. I distinctly remember you inviting me back here after we got back together. And I’m pretty sure the invite wasn’t for some cookies and milk.”

“No, it wasn’t. You refused my offer because you were joining the Army,” Luke replied.

Noah straightened up, resting his back against the wicker sofa. “But I didn’t. I’m here with you now.”

“For how long?” Luke asked, wrapping his arms around his chest.

“Forever?” Noah replied, his voice rising a bit so his statement came out more like a question rather than a definite answer. Hopefully Luke would hear the words rather than the tone. Luke was all he wanted.

This wasn’t good enough for Luke. How many times did they get close only to have Noah pull away from him one way or another? Luke couldn’t keep playing this game. His heart couldn’t handle being broken time and again. “How can I be sure that you’re not going to run away?” Luke asked.

“Wow…Luke,” Noah murmured.

“Well…can you really blame me for asking?”

“I love you and I’m here with you.”

“But a few hours ago that wasn’t enough,” Luke countered. He wasn’t going to back down from this argument. Noah needed to know that things between them had to change. The running needed to stop. Immediately.

“I’m sure now…I always have been about you.”

“Yet you were willing to leave me for god knows how many years.”

Noah, sensing he was in a losing battle, slowly shook his head and rose to his feet. This wasn’t how he envisioned his return to Luke. He’d expected hugs and kisses, and finally making love to Luke.

But this…this…he couldn’t deal with. Anxiety coursed through his veins and the air seemed to have been sucked out of the porch. He needed air…time…space…

“I knew it,” Luke muttered, buttoning his jeans.

Noah stopped, turning to face Luke. Damn it. He was doing exactly what Luke feared…running away. He took a deep breath and sat back down. “You know…my first instinct is to run. I’m not as strong as you, Luke,” he quietly admitted.

“The hell you aren’t!” Luke exclaimed.

Noah buried his head in his hands. “I keep finding a way to mess everything up…Maddie, my father, Ameera, the Army…”

Luke grasped Noah’s wrist, gently pulling his hand away from his face. He wasn’t going to let Noah hide from him. “I think your intentions were always good. You’re not a bad person. Noah, I can imagine that growing up wasn’t easy for you,” Luke said, choosing his words carefully as to not further upset him.

“I don’t want to talk about my childhood,” Noah snapped, panic flooding his eyes.

“We don’t have to,” Luke quickly assured him. “But if you ever change your mind you can talk to me. Noah, you can tell me _anything_.” Noah nodded absently. Luke wasn’t quite sure if his words were getting through to him but he continued anyway. “I love you and I’ll always be here for you.”

“Maybe…someday…I just don’t want to talk about that time in my life right now,” Noah murmured, glancing away from Luke. He wanted to believe that Luke would stick by him no matter what he told him. Really he did. But what kind of man would Luke think he was if he told him the things he endured during his life with the Colonel?

Luke brought Noah’s hand to his lips and kissed it. “Whenever you want,” he said softly.

“I’m sorry that I pushed you earlier. I shouldn’t have just assumed that you’d hop right into bed with me after what I put you through.”

“Noah, it’s not that I don’t want you…because I do… _badly_ ,” Luke confessed. “I need to feel secure about our relationship. We just need to find a way to get back on track before we can be together.”

“And how do we do that?”

“Can you just be my boyfriend for a little while?” Luke asked, knowing that his question was a bit corny. But they needed corny and old fashioned. They hadn’t had much time to really just enjoy each other and the excitement of a new relationship without a crisis arising. “Now that you don’t have a wife and I’m not in a wheelchair…”

“And we won’t have to worry about my father.”

The tinge of sorrow in Noah’s voice didn’t go unnoticed. The Colonel was an evil son of a bitch, but he was also Noah’s father. “I’m not happy he’s dead,” he truthfully responded. Luke may hate the Colonel, but he never wished him dead…not even after he ended up in the chair. He wasn’t raised that way.

“I have to admit that sometimes it’s a relief knowing he’ll never be able to hurt you again,” Noah said.

“Or you,” Luke countered. He wasn’t the only person who was hurt by the Colonel. Noah had been too, although he never talked about it.

Noah nodded. “I think concentrating on being boyfriends is a good plan. And I plan on wooing the socks off you, too.”

Luke blushed, breaking into the largest, brightest smile that made Noah’s heart soar. “I’m looking forward to it. Where are you planning on living now that you’ll be staying in Oakdale?”

“I…uh…haven’t gotten that far. After I left the recruiter’s office I came straight here,” Noah admitted. “When I gave up my dorm room I put my things in storage. I doubt that my old room will still be available since there’s usually a waiting list for the dorms. I guess I’ll try to get a motel room for awhile until another room at the university becomes available.”

Luke shook his head. He had a feeling that Noah hadn’t planned this out, once again just reacting to the situation at hand. “You’ll do no such thing. You can stay here…in your old room.” He didn’t want to think about Noah alone in some hotel room…especially given the past month. Noah needed him and his family. They’d take care of him…love him like he deserved to be loved.

“I couldn’t impose…I can get a room.”

“At the Lakeview?”

“Well…that’s a little out of my price range since I’m currently unemployed. I guess maybe the Wagon Wheel might fit my budget.” Noah sighed. He had really managed to make a mess of things. Not only had he hurt Luke by his hasty decision to enlist he had managed to leave himself homeless and most likely jobless too. “God…I hope they haven’t filled my position at Java and will take me back.”

“I will not have you staying at the Wagon Wheel,” Luke said, rising from the sofa. “You’re staying here…at least for tonight. Tomorrow I’ll spend the day convincing you that you need to move in here permanently. I’m going to go make sure there are fresh sheets on your bed. And while I’m gone you’ll call Java and get your job back.”

Noah looked up at Luke in amazement. How did he manage to keep it together all the time? “Luke…” he half-heartedly protested. He really didn’t want to rent a crappy hotel room and the thought of sleeping in his truck wasn’t all that appealing either. Not to mention the fact that he really loved being at the farm. Regardless of what he told Luke a couple of weeks ago, it did feel like home to him and he wanted it to be his home again.

“We can have movie night tonight if you stay…popcorn and everything.”

A grin crept to Noah’s lips. Luke wasn’t going to have to do any convincing tomorrow. He was totally, completely sold, not that he’d admit it to Luke right now. “Well…if there’s going to be popcorn…”

“Hot off Grandma’s stove with lots of butter,” Luke enthusiastically replied. He just loved making old fashioned popcorn. And sharing it with Noah…especially when Noah would lick the butter off Luke’s fingers and then give him one of those long, hot kisses. Oh man!

“And I can choose the movie?” Noah asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Yes and it can even be in black and white.”

“Wow…you really are a great boyfriend,” he teased.

Luke leaned down and planted a juicy kiss on Noah’s lips. “Don’t you dare forget it!” He gave Noah a playful smirk before disappearing inside the house.

Noah pulled out his cell phone. It was time to finish getting his life back in order. So far he was off to a pretty damn good start.


End file.
